Defamer

NBC Wondering If Michael Phelps Wants Ben Silverman's Job

· NBC commanded an appropriately world-record-breaking ratings win over the other four networks thanks to Michael Phelps and the rest of their Olympics coverage; but CBS's Big Brother managed to hold its own, due in no small part to a competitively-themed Drown the Old Guy in Slop episode that tested the outer limits of senior contestant Jerry's will to live. [Variety]
· She lost the weight, she's feeling great, and now she's ready to work: Valerie Bertinelli will return to her sitcom roots with a half-four TBS comedy about a single mom "who struggles to care for two kids and a lumber business." Even more exciting? Bonnie Franklin is in talks to play a stack of two-by-fours! [Variety]
· Fox News Channel is sprucing up its Facebook page with a video clip library, enhanced feedback applications, and anchor status updates alerting you that "Bill O'Reilly is...totally nuts for WALL-E even though he knows he shouldn't be :P!!!" [Variety]
·James McAvoy and Emily Blunt will voice the title gnomes is Gnomio and Juliet, playing starcrossed Travelocity pitchmen from "rival gardens" in a computer-animated Miramax feature. [THR]
·ABC is going forward with Supermanny, a male version of Supernanny, in which bratty problem-children will be dazzled into submission by their new hunky caregiver's rippling abs and dreamy smile. [THR]

[Photo via BWE.tv]

Late Child Star Heather O'Rourke Writes Outraged Memo to God Upon Learning of 'Poltergeist' Remake

(Defamer today obtained this memo currently making the rounds in Heaven's Third District, Cloud Unit G — better known as "Sesame Heaven," or the Late Child Stars Dept. Reliable afterlife sources have confirmed its authenticity; we pass it along to you without further comment.)

Dear God,

Hi, God, it's me, Heather O'Rourke — the little girl from Poltergeist. How's tricks? I know how busy you must be dealing with the whole Isaac Hayes thing right now (my vote: let him in!), but when you get a second, I was hoping I might ask you for just one tiny little favor. It would really mean a lot, and I've been really good all these years and haven't requested anything except for that pony, but that was, like, 20 years ago when I first got here, and you never got back to me. No probs, though, God — I'm kinda glad it didn't work out, because now I need you to do me a much more important solid: Can you please smite the people responsible for this planned remake of Poltergeist?

Josh Brolin's 'W' Impression: Erotically Accurate or Sub-'SNL'?

'When A Seal Loves A Klum' Pegged As Terrence Howard's First Crossover Single

"HEIDI KLUM AND SEAL’S LOVE STORY INSPIRES TERRENCE HOWARD’S NEW SONG" reads an Extra e-mail alert landed recently in the always lively Defamer tips box. Needless to say, we dove hungrily into the story, and learned that the girl-germ-phobic Crash star has his own album coming out—"Shine Through It"—led by a single called "Sanctuary" that was indeed inspired by the timeless romance of the pop singer and Project Runway host. Like us, Howard must have also been watching that Oprah episode when Klum recalled first laying eyes on her husband, sauntering through a hotel lobby in bicycle shorts: "[H]e came in just from the gym and I was sitting there and I was, like, wow. And I pretty much saw everything. The whole package." It was an electrifying moment, captured for eternity by Howard's haunting lyric, "His pants were/elastic/the bulge was/fantastic/Ohhhh sanctuary/Their love goes on." [Extra]

The Couple That Wears Cardigans Together, Stays Together

'Operation Lowball' Places Kirk Kerkorian Back at Center of MGM Sale Rumors

If it's not bombs, bees and/or anthrax threatening to engulf MGM in a dense apocalyptic deathcloud, then there's always the Specter of Ownership Past to give the denizens of Constellation Drive a good mortal scare. But only if they're willing to suspend their disbelief long enough to imagine Kirk Kerkorian shuffling back into town on his black steed, blank check in one hand and studio valuation figures in the other, grinning wildly at the prospect of reclaiming the studio a fourth time in as many decades.

Most observers seem to think its a scenario as likely as the anthrax contagion rumored to be puffed through MGM Tower's central A/C, but frankly, we're in love with the idea. Moreover, we're in love with the 91-year-old mogul still rocking the brass balls it takes to reportedly offer $3 billion for the studio he sold to Sony four years ago for $5 billion:

Lamas Family acting dynasty heiress Shayne Lamas may not have made love work with the green-card-curious man of her dreams, but by no means does that mean that she'd cover all the mirrors in her house, don a black cocktail dress, and mourn her broken engagement indoors. Life goes on for our little Monkey, as evidenced by a sequence of photographs on inebriated-social-interaction documentation site lastnightsparty.com. What starts out innocently enough, however, with a little round of "Who's the Marilyn-est of them all?" quickly devolves into a regrettable attempt at unbuckling a nearby patron's belt with her head, followed by a shocking display of unobstructed tuchus that will forever taint the pristine Bachelor brand. It's after the jump. But BEWARE! Shayne Lamas's dumps are NSFW!

Bill Maher Accuses Sherri Shepherd Of Beating Her Children With A Stupid Stick

While promoting his new documentary Religulous (the hit of Claremont, CA!), the politically incorrect Bill Maher sat down with TV Guide for its upcoming August 25 issue. After discussing the religion-bashing doc, talk turned to The View (because when doesn't it?), and Maher was asked for his opinion on notorious flat-earther Sherri Shepherd. His response earned him a round of playground high-fives and "oh snaps":

Looks Like Somebody Wasn't Sure About Using Sure

Will This Performance Save Tom Cruise's Career?

'NY Post' Alleges That John Cusack's Childhood is Sold, Bought, and Processed

When John Cusack called us up and asked, "If I answer your questions, will you stop writing nasty shit about me?" we demurred — sadly, he didn't try the same tack with the New York Post. The left-leaning actor is a juicy target for the conservative tabloid, and after Cusack was asked to contribute an essay to the new HuffPost Chicago by his friend, "the good and great Arianna," the Post tore it wide open like a disgruntled Must Love Dogs ticketbuyter. What they allege they've found is a whole host of errors and made-up childhood reminiscences:

Palimony Suit Could Force Jodie Foster's 'Midlife Crisis' $25 Million Over Budget

Jodie Foster really has gotten off exceptionally easy so far in her dizzying, delicate miracle of new love with homewrecking writer/producer Cynthia Mort, with her most significant cash outlays being that always-steep first date and the extravagant "My Condolences" balloon bouquet sent Mort's way after HBO canceled her show Tell Me You Love Me. Foster had fared even better with ex Cydney Bernard, who, after 14 years of cohabitative bliss, spared the Oscar-winner the ugliness of custody squabbles, L Word box-set splits and other public indignities. Her typically low public profile escalated for what felt like mere minutes, soon returning to its subtle, cultivated ebb of lesbian quietude — just the way she likes it.

Oh, but for the good old days, we're learning as the all-knowing National Enquirer — your trusted (and print-only in this case, we're afraid) oracle for anonymously sourced Foster's Splitsville drama — now reports that the actress's romantic reboot may cost her a quarter of her fortune. Or, adjusted roughly for inflation, $25 million:

Katherine Heigl Ain't Got Nothing On Me!

Crashing Cars And Flushing Drugs: 'The Two Coreys' Season Finale

After making an unsettling detour to Closeted-Heartthrob Rapesville, the Blind Item Express is once more on the move, this time heading for sunnier, more sapphic waters. How else to explain this provocative post from Crazy Days and Nights:

How do you try and revive a career that only you want revived? Well, in Hollywood this year you can either get pregnant, or do what this C list film/B list television actress that I love to hate is going to do. Become a lesbian. Yes, you heard it here first. This actress is going to loudly dump her boyfriend and start dating a woman simply for the publicity...Instead of paying someone to be a beard for you, this actress is going to take some of her fast dwindling cash and pay someone to be her lesbian lover.

Rampant speculation, after the jump:

Amateur Pundits Roseanne Barr and Jon Voight Raise the Family-Smearing Stakes