Defamer: Oprah Winfrey

Breastest Hits: What Funbags Over 40 Made The List?

STV — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 16:55:00 PDT

With our daily "MGM Tower Under Attack" report in the books, "retard" outrage in the streets and everything thankfully quiet on our Billy Bob Thornton Co-Star CurseWatch, the only real news we have left to pass along today actually speaks for itself: "The Best Breast List: wowOwow’s Peek Down Dazzling 40+ Décolletage." Indeed, the saucy ladies of the women's Web site wowOwow — including Liz Smith, Whoopi Goldberg, and Lily Tomlin among others — gathered their 10 favorite middle-age busts in no particular order for discussion, observation and, if you dare, debate. We don't exactly know the criteria (bikini-rocking couldn't have hurt Helen Mirren), but see if you can lift and separate them in an excerpt after the jump.

Loni Anderson: As the Internet Movie Database describes her, Loni, 63, is a “buxom, bedimpled, pert-nosed knockout.” And since her first appearance in the late 70s comedy, WKRP in Cincinnati, she has become another timeless beauty who continues to wow on the red carpet.

Susan Lucci: The well-known “Queen of Daytime” Susan Lucci is a big fan of Pilates, which clearly helps keep all her curves in all the right places.

Gayle King: Can we call Gayle Oprah's bosom buddy? At 53, Oprah's best friend turns heads on the red carpet.

Michelle Pfeiffer: [O]ne of the most timeless beauties in movies. From her gravity-defying bustline to her big blue-green eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer doesn't seem to age.

Rene Russo: Rene Russo, whose smoldering beauty made her so unforgettable in movies such as The Thomas Crown Affair, Major League and Lethal Weapon 3 and 4, still has what it takes on top.

Demi Moore, Goldie Hawn and Oprah herself are included as well. Alas, no Dolly Parton, who we hear was disqualified for slightly aberrant sexual tastes that we're hoping will have faded in the judges' minds by this time next year.

The Best Breast List: wowOwow’s Peek Down Dazzling 40+ Décolletage [WOWOWOW]

Discuss: Charlie Sheen Makes $800,000 Per Episode of 'Two and a Half Men'

STV — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 15:25:00 PDT

For vivid proof of the weakening dollar, look no further that the annual salary survey in the forthcoming issue of TV Guide: After two years of slumming alongside the likes of Zach Braff and seeing everyone from William Petersen ($600,000 per episode) to the Simpsons cast (each $400,000 per episode) pass him by, Charlie Sheen has reclaimed his spot at the top of the prime-time cash heap, earning $800,000 per 30-minute episode of Two and a Half Men. Granted, it's not seven-figure Friends money (which Sheen originally asked for in negotiations back in 2006), but we still think it bears repeating: Charlie Sheen makes $800,000 per episode of Two and a Half Men. Join us in getting our heads around it (and a few other hot-ticket raises) after the jump.

Sheen's bump was the sharpest by far, according to the report, which also noted a measly 10% jump for Simon Cowell, whose American Idol duties now nab him an even $50 million per year. CSI star Petersen went up $100,000 per episode since 2007, while Law & Order: SVU's Mariska Hargitay ($400,000) and Closer star Kyra Sedgwick ($275,000) were the top earners among women on network and cable TV respectively. Congrats to them. Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen makes $800,000 per episode of Two and a Half Men.

Oprah still made more money than God, with her production company as a whole generating $385 million in revenue in 2007 (up from $260 million in '06) and Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane bringing up the rear among moguls with a $100 million deal guaranteed through 2012. And did you hear about Charlie Sheen? $800,000 per episode? For Two and a Half Men? Is this the same Two and a Half Men with Jon Cryer and that kid? The cringeworthy one? Also in syndication? Just making sure.

$800,000. Is that, like, in pesos?

TV STARS' SALARIES: WHO EARNS WHAT? [TV Guide]

Hilary Swank Cleverly Ensures Third Oscar Win By Revisiting Her 'Boys Don't Cry' Haircut

Molly Friedman — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 14:10:00 PDT

Last November, the currently off-the-radar Hilary Swank appeared on Oprah and proved just how much holier she is than drug-addled Swank’d victim Chad Lowe by cutting off nine inches of her hair for cancer research. Claiming she’d “been growing her locks long so she could donate them to a cancer sufferer, ‘knowing that it would go to a woman in need,’” Swank’s return to the short hair style that won her an Oscar was clearly a charitable and warm-hearted gesture. But after seeing these photos of Swank taken over the weekend, in which the Oprah-styled chin-grazing look has been replaced by a very Brandon Teena-like cropped cut, we realized the sacrificial gesture will also benefit another worthy cause: the Hilary Swank Oscar-Baiting Campaign! How Swank is saving both cancer victims and her career, plus a closer look at her return to he-she hair, after the jump.

As Var reported back in February, Swank is co-producing and starring as Amelia Earhart, first female pilot to fly across the Atlantic, in Mira Nair's Amelia. Filming began in Toronto two months ago, and despite both Cinemablend and Cinematical expressing their disapproval of Swank's appearance in stills released from the set, we doubt Swank cares very much whether or not she looks like "a total mess," "Corky from Life Goes On," or "a very special person." [Ed. Note — Way to take the high road there, CinemaBlend. Retard jokes? Really?] After all, as the Hiller-Pierson Correlation taught us, Uglification + biopic + strong female role = Oscar gold.

[Photo credits: Splash, Cinemablend]

WHO DOES HILARY SWANK LOOK LIKE WITH THIS NEW HAIRCUT? [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]

Before They Had Stylists: A Look Back At Stars' First Time On A Red Carpet

Seth — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 11:00:00 PDT

Like the heady mix of pride and elation that fills you as you witness your own flesh-and-blood pulling themselves up by their lonesomes to take their first wobbly steps across the living room floor, witnessing some of your favorite stars' first times on the red carpet—as compiled in this Us Weekly gallery—is an experience worth savoring. Pictured above, writer's room taskmistress Katherine Heigl presents herself to the world at the 2000 premiere for The Beach in an ensemble that makes several endearing first-timer mistakes: 1. At this early point in your career, showing anything more than 3/4 inch of leg runs the risk of making you look trampy. 2. Flashbulbs' x-ray effect often reveal more about your foundation garments than you'd like to the world to know. Always match your bra to your dark-chocolate turtleneck, lest you want the world to mistakenly assume you're a Mormon. 3. The movie's about a tropical Eden in Thailand, not what happens when your trying-to-be-hip mom is convinced by a Barneys saleswoman that "Fall is all about the Annie Oakley look." Dress theme-appropriately.

More red carpet toddlers after the jump!

Gwyneth Paltrow attends the 1991 premiere of The Prince of Tides, a shooting star followed by a trail of cometary dust streaking the front of mom Blythe Danner's cocktail dress. While she would later adopt a more demure signature style, she has recently returned to the more daring, crotch-baring looks that defined her splashy arrival on the scene.

Julia Roberts and Jon Voight arrive at the 1985 Fool for Love premiere in New York, back when Julia was still flirting with a bad-girl image, and all the Parliament-huffing, older-man-bedding, and Siegfried and Roy Collection™ satin-shirt-wearing rebelliousness that implies.

Most powerful presence in the celebrity universe Oprah Winfrey had not yet refined her public persona when she attended an Oscars luncheon in 1986. After being quietly pulled aside by an Academy official and told the life-sized statuettes were not there for crotch-level mugging, she quickly absorbed the note and has since become associated with Academy Awards elegance and restraint the world over.

[Photo Credits: Wireimage]

My First Time on the Red Carpet! [Us Weekly]

These Are Your Gods Now: Forbes Announces Its Celebrity 100

Seth — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:00:00 PDT

Having teased us already with a Celebrity 100 "drop-offs" list that included some of the brightest and most bankable names in the entertainment universe (they. did. not. just. say. Tom. Hanks—omgzyestheydiiiiddd), anticipation for the actual Celebrity 100 list—your annual ranking of the The World's Most Powerful Celebrities™ as verified by a team of accredited powerologists at the Forbes Institute for the Advancement of Obscene Wealth and Judgment-Summoning False Idolatry—was higher than ever. As always, Oprah Winfrey sits comfortably at the very top of the list, her $978 trillion empire affording her the luxury of purchasing everyone else in the top 100 for distribution among audience members as one of those "personal celebrity slaves I simply can't live without" on her next Favorite Things episode.

Sliding down the ranks, Angelina Jolie sits a mere seven spots away from her lusty human canvas and lifetime Lamaze partner, Brad Pitt. In the most improbable top 15 juxtaposition, nationally tolerated falsetto-artist Justin Timberlake can be found using national directing treasure Steven Spielberg as a stadium seating cushion. Who else? Cameron Diaz, though we're still trying to crack the Celebrity 100 fame formulæ (including "Web hits on Google Blog Search, TV/radio mentions on LexisNexis, overall press mentions on Factiva and the number of times a celebrity’s image appeared on the cover of 55 consumer magazines") to figure out how she wormed her way in there.

The World's Most Powerful Celebrities [Forbes]

The Secret To Looking As 'Fit' As Gwyneth And Beyonce? Starve Yourself Silly, Of Course!

Molly Friedman — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 13:25:00 PDT

Coming in at number two right after Lesbian Chic on the list of 2008's hottest celebrity trends is the slim fast phenomenon sweeping the pounds off Catherine Zeta-Jones’ ass, Britney Spears’ arms, and pretty much every inch of co-starvation partners Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham. But of course, when Queen of Female Mind Control Oprah Winfrey puts in her two cents on the dieting front, every housewife and Oprah wannabe begins taking dutiful notes on how exactly she’ll take a few pounds off this time around. And according to a piece in the NY Daily News, Detox is the word. From Gwyneth and Beyonce to Ralph Fiennes and Vince Vaughn, these four varieties of temporary "cleansing" yourself are the current diet du jour. And of course, the question is: does it work? And more importantly, is giving up our nightly vino and succumbing to regular colonics worth looking like a lollipop head? Which celebrities are using which method, and visual evidence of their results, if any, after the jump.

Martha's Vineyard Detox Diet: Followers include ridiculously skin-and-bones supe Gisele Bundchen, weight loss master Robin Quivers and the muscular Madonna. The 21-day detox promises devotees to shed 21 pounds in that many days "by subsisting on live juices, enzymes - and regular colonics." Fun!

The Master Cleanser: Reportedly what Beyonce used in order to nab her Dreamgirls role, Vince Vaughn allegedly follows the lemon juice liquid diet, and Jared Leto shed his Chapter 27 weight by drinking the "water mixed with lemon, maple syrup and cayenne pepper" cocktail as well. Yum!

Dr. Joshi's Holistic Detox: Fans include the clavicle-flashing Gwyneth Paltrow, original waif Kate Moss and currently slim Ralph Fiennes. The main focus is avoiding acidic and toxic foods, but the downside hardly sounds worth it, and sort of explains Kate's moody expressions in photo after photo: "Users report headaches, stomach pains, nausea and fatigue." Even more fun!

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage, FilmMagic]

CELEB DETOX DIETS MAY PROVE HARD TO SWALLOW [NYDN]

Five Tragic Tell-Alls From Celebrity Kin Looking To Cash In

Molly Friedman — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 09:45:00 PDT

Time to mark your calendars: Lynne Spears, mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn, has an official September release date for her memoir about raising two of the world’s most tabloid-friendly children, Through The Storm: A Real Story About Family And Fame In A Tabloid World. In the book, Spears will supposedly take the Dina Lohan route and disguise motherly resentment as motherly love and “express her love for her children and tell their stories through a mother's eyes,” according to the publisher, who specializes in “inspirational books and Bibles.” But how rosy and cozy can the tome’s description of family life be with a title referring to said life as a “storm”? And given the nature of celebrity family members' tell-alls in the past, coupled with the assurance that this will not be “a parenting book,” we certainly hope Lynne follows in the footsteps of Nancy Aniston and Virgie Arthur by revealing a bit more dirt than the rote "Britney And Jamie Lynn Were Perfect Angels" tales (given the fact that they’re, um, not these days). We took a closer look at five of the most trash-talking tell-alls from stars’ estranged and/or envious relatives to whet our appetite in the meantime:

Christopher Ciccone, Life With My Sister Madonna, Summer 2008: As the NY Post reports today, Madonna’s estranged gay brother has rushed out a “brutal” tell-all about growing up with the promiscuous and outspoken runaway, and we need only wait til next month to read the gruesome details: “’It's extremely graphic and devastating,’ said a source who declined to give details. ‘He wrote it on the sly without telling Madonna. They want to put it out before her lawyers can get a hold of it.’”
Donna Hogan, Train Wreck, 2007: Taking greedy advantage of sister Anna Nicole’s tragic and sudden death, Hogan’s aim seemed to be pure fame and cash. Portraying Anna as a trashy, money-grubbing, dumb blonde who abused drugs all over television and in interviews, Hogan wound up looking like, and admitting to, being a trashy, money-grubbing, dumb blonde who abused drugs. Well done.
Vernon Winfrey, Things Unspoken, Unreleased: Though Oprah-fearing publishers have yet to offer Winfrey’s father a deal, excerpts from the manuscript painted a much-maligned and hateful picture of the rags-to-riches billionaire’s childhood: “Children need roots and limits and discipline. (And I don't mean time in time out. I mean the rod of correction, swung hard and often.)...Our daughter was out of hand, an unruly child...she stayed out all times of night and lied regarding her whereabouts, said she made herself known to boys.”

J.R. Watkins, Cleaning Out My Closet, 2002: Though not technically related to Eminem, Jenny Watkins was a close friend of the rapper and on-and-off wife Kim during his highest heights — and by high, we mean Jenny spends page after page discussing both Em’s and Kim’s drug use. From coke binges to Xanax addictions, Watkins portrays the couple as the modern-day Sid and Nancy with chapter titles like “Tossed Aside Like Garbage,” “Kim And Drugs,” and “White Trash.”
Nancy Aniston, From Mother And Daughter To Friends, 1999: One of the more depressing stories, Nancy reportedly mocked Jennifer’s appearance before she got the nose job and the big break, tried to reconcile once she did , but eventually took the low road by publishing this intimate book about Jen’s tumultuous childhood. The outcome? The two remain estranged, and in a public display of Aniston’s anger, she did not invite Nancy to her big, beautiful and doomed wedding to Brad Pitt the next year.

[Photo credit: OK!]

LYNNE SPEARS'S MEMOIR SET FOR FALL RELEASE [People]

Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Throw Bash For Everyone In Hollywood Who Secretly Hates Them, Including Suri

Molly Friedman — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:55:00 PDT

When the Count and Countess of Scientology throw a party, they do not set out plastic lawn chairs and serve crustless honey-drenched finger sandwiches. No, when TomKat decide to invite all of their friends and frenemies (and even some enemies!) over for a daytime soirée, the Knights of Hubbard throw the kind of party that puts everyone from the Royal Family to Donatella Versace to shame. On Saturday afternoon, TomKat decided to congratulate themselves on purchasing yet another of their many ~~torture chambers~~ loving households in Beverly Hills by hosting the likes of Kirstie “I Should Be Dead” Alley, Oprah “Never Forget” Winfrey, Victoria “Posher Than Katie” Beckham, and Jennifer “Marc Is Sick Again” Lopez. And putting aside Suri’s adorably Croc-like sandals and her ongoing tendency to appear just as frightened of her father as the rest of the world, this A-list party’s most impressive attributes were the pimped out rides. After the jump, a collection of the invitees in their modes of transportations, and a sampling of just how much security goes into protecting their Friends and Foes from Xenu’s ominous Orwellian eye:

With other guests like Kyra Sedgwick, Eva Longoria and Tobey Maguire attending, it's no surprise the security was so tight, but why the golf carts? Did Tom and Katie really force their guests to go scootering around their mansion just to say, Look! We're Rich! You Knew That Already But, But...Look!

Though paparazzi weren't allowed to snap anywhere near the actual party, they did manage to get a good handle on just how pricey the guests' rides were: Bentleys, Lexuses and Porsches galore. We're just relieved Jeremy Piven wasn't on hand to witness the rides, lest he throw a very Ari Gold-esque fit and begin pounding away at his beloved hoopty chick magnet with his hairy bare fists.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash]

Celebrity Tattoo Horrors: Why Inking Bald Britney And Bob Barker's Menacing Grin Is Never A Good Idea

Molly Friedman — Wed, 28 May 2008 11:30:00 PDT

At some point in all our lives, we must ask ourselves: to tattoo or not to tattoo? We have yet to take the plunge, but when and if we do, we most certainly will not be inking our bodies with Pee Wee Herman, Bald Britney or (gasp!) Patrick Swayze as a centaur. But as a photo gallery over at EW proves, there are more than enough insane fans out there who are so in love with their favorite stars that they’ve etched a permanent image of their visage on their bodies. One might think a popular celebrity tat would be, say, Pamela Anderson or Scarlett Johansson, or maybe even Brangelina. But, sadly, it seems the sort of fan who goes through the pain of imprinting rainbow-colored images of their idols are mainly of the Jack Jordan stalker variety. The bad, the ugly, and the downright nightmarish tattoos in question, after the jump.

Of all the pictures of Britney, her post-umbrella carnage rage face is an admittedly charming choice, but we're not as thrilled to see Jack Black making his Holier-And-Far-Wittier-Than-Thou face. As for the Paul Reubens tat, the fan was at least smart enough to use a Pee Wee Herman pic, rather than an image of Paul huddled in a dirty movie theater with hands occupied. And poor, poor Patrick Swayze. While we'll likely never know exactly why or how someone got the idea to tattoo themselves with Patrick Swayze as a centaur, at least we're glad to see him wearing his outfit from the infamous SNL Chippendales skit (although, Chris Rock might have a different opinion).

By far the single most frightening Bob Barker image we've ever seen (shouldn't the text read "Come On Down And Fondle My Cock!" instead?). Maddox is not the worst tattoo idea in the world, but why does his tongue resemble the Devil's? Oprah looks the best we've ever seen her look on one fan's arm, but this sneering Zack Morris image has officially scarred our fond memories of the big blond man on campus for life.

[Photo credits: EW]

CELEBRITY SKIN: 21 TATTOOS OF FAMOUS FACES [EW]

Oprah Winfrey Has A New Diet Plan In Which She'll Save Animals' Lives And Promptly Go Insane

Molly Friedman — Thu, 22 May 2008 12:34:51 PDT

It’s that time of the ~~month~~ year again! Oprah Winfrey, frequent flier on the countless and very public weight watching rollercoaster, has decided to turn her oft-used diet switch into On mode one more time. And the newest attempt at shedding pounds may be her kookiest plan yet, which Oprah says was inspired by a book called Quantum Wellness in addition to online sessions with a motivational speaker. Yes, these days those loud-mouthed mood boosters can motivate you without having to actually speak at all! So how will Winfrey rise to the get-slim-quick occasion this go-round? With tasty delights like mouth-watering tempeh and and positively sinful wheat-free crepes:

Back in 2004, Oprah credited very basic rules like "no white stuff" and the standard "drink lots of water!" approach to her admittedly trim figure as she turned 50. But apparently Oprah hasn't seen as much change as she'd like, and has chosen a far more rigorous plan this time: a 21-day detox program in which she'll not only save the animals, but give up "sugar, gluten, alcohol, meat, chicken, fish, eggs, cheese." Just like Oprah, we had to wonder, "What's left?" And the answers aren't pretty. As Winfrey blogged recently, "I can honestly say every meal was a surprise and a delight, beginning with breakfast – strawberry rhubarb wheat-free crepes." But despite her gung-ho attitude and apparent dedication, even Oprah doesn't sound so sure this fierce change in her regimen will be a guaranteed success story: "Don't know if I'm going to feel better or worse, but I'm willing to try to see if my body at least feels differently." We're not sure about her, but if we had to spend three weeks off the bottle, we'd certainly feel it — catatonic messes we may be, but "different" for sure!

OPRAH WINFREY'S 21-DAY DIET DETOX [People]

Barbara Walters Recalls Riding In The Bus With Her Emotionally Retarded Surrogate Daughter, Rosie

Seth — Tue, 06 May 2008 17:10:00 PDT

A torrent of emotion flooded Harpo studios today: Raw! Real! Emotion! as Barbara Walters laid herself open for all to see on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Oprah, having gotten the distinct whiff of platelet-deficient blood, went directly in for the kill, insisting the 78-year-old sexual diarist divulge all the backstabbing goings-on at The View during the tumultuous period beginning with Star Jones's expulsion via medieval catapult, through to Rosie O'Donnell's Infamous Reign of Bipolar Terror. Walters goes on to paint a fascinating psychological portrait of the latter, who, robbed at a young age of her own mother, was cursed to a never-ending, Jungian search for her replacement. Anything could have set this emotional house of cards tumbling; in this case, it ended up being Donald Trump's "fat ugly face" material and Elisabeth Hasselbeck's unflappable patriotism that eventually snuffed the illusion that, all these years later, Rosie had found home. [Oprah.com]

WATCH VIDEO

Tom And Katie Kiss And Make Up With Beckhams

Molly Friedman — Tue, 06 May 2008 10:55:00 PDT

Though the Metropolitan Museum's annual Costume Gala is considered by most to be the Oscars of the fashion world, the truth of the matter is that no one really focuses on the clothes. What really matters is which celebrities show up to WEAR the clothes and, of course, whether or not they're lookin' good. That said, all eyes were entirely focused on the recently friction-laden, reportedly squabbling super-duo of Team Cruise and Team Beckham, who reunited once again for the cameras. And despite the gushing show of admiration and respect that the Beckhams demonstrated for the the Hubbard-lovers on yesterday's Oprah, both Holmes and Beckham were allegedly competing for the spotlight last night. And in the end? The girl with the higher-slit dress tends to win every time. More photos from the event, including our picks for the best and most horrific looks of the night, after the jump.

Call it a magic moment, call it a completely forced photo opp, but the Cruises and Beckhams did briefly pose on the carpet before entering the Gala. And though Victoria certainly didn't look happy about it, her nipples sure did.

Amidst the sea of designer gowns, we thought Eva Longoria's dramatic ruffle-adorned number was most impressive. Busy and over the top maybe, but her petite little body suddenly looked voluptuous and the midnight purple color was the perfect choice.

Thandie Newton usually kills on the carpet, so we were baffled to see her in this very Madonna circa 1995 S&M lingerie-esque ensemble. And poor Mischa Barton, possibly still smarting from those unflattering balcony bikini pictures, chose a shapeless dress that was boring on the bottom, modern Bride of Frankenstein on the top.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage, Daily Mail]

TOMKAT AND THE BECKHAMS TURN ON SOME OLD-FASHIONED GLAMOUR - BUT WAS IT TOO OLD FOR POSH? [Daily Mail]

Katie Holmes's Weird Sonogram Issues, And Other Tom & Oprah Highlights

Seth — Fri, 02 May 2008 18:10:00 PDT

· Still want more OT (Oprah/Tom)? We've compiled the interview's best moments. And yes, he addresses the indoctrination video you watched here. Verdict? Oprah: Asked the tough questions. Tom: Depressed. [Oprah.com]
· Yikes. We'd hate to see what Kanye would have written if EW had given his tour a B-minus. [kanyeuniversecity.com via Idolator]
· Now you can linger over assistant Jonathan's lovingly collaged FRIENDS 4 EVA!!! farewell poster for Jack Donaghy from last night's 30 Rock. [Videogum]
· It's time for accused Uma-stalker Jack "Tee-Hee" Jordan to have his say: He's humiliated! (Now that we think of it, Tee-Hee is the greatest nickname ever. Dibs!) [Reuters]
· "Hey, Gary! Good weekend? What?!" [People]
· The assault charges against Rod Stewart's retarded son have been dropped. [AP]
· Angelyne has the developers of the W Hotel over a barrel. Attagirl! [LAT]

Barbara Walters' Memoir Packed With Tales Of Former 'Lovahs', Including 'The Blackest Man' She Ever Slept With

Molly Friedman — Fri, 02 May 2008 16:10:00 PDT

The ladies of The View had a lengthy meta-conversation all about the "very beautiful!" and "sexy!" photos of their own Barbara Walters in this month's Vanity Fair. And while they do point out the photo spread's accompanying excerpt from Walters' new memoir Auditions, and Babs does allude to tales of past "lovahs," she fails to mention (until Oprah makes her next week) just how tantalizing some of those pages are. As today's preview in the NY Daily News reveals, Walters was involved in a long-term affair with an African-American senator back in the swingin' 70s. And from the sound of it, the affair was far spicier than all those Adrian Lyne movies about adultery:

"When her lover...told the newswoman she was the oldest woman he had ever been with, she wanted to say - but never did - 'Oh yeah? Well you are the blackest man I have ever been with.'"

And the juice doesn't end there. More on Walters' fury over Star Jones' dieting claims and Rosie O'Donnell's Diana Ross complex after the jump.

While we await the sordid details surrounding the affair Walters is set to share with Oprah on Tuesday, we do finally hear Walters' real feelings regarding previous co-hosts Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell. As the NYDN reports, Walters was particularly livid "when Jones refused to admit publicly that she had gastric bypass surgery to lose weight [and] her co-workers were forced to lie for her." And as for Rosie, it seems all that tension across the spotless flower-laden table shared by the ladies was just as real as we suspected. As Walters puts it, "The premise of The View is that of a team working together, but for Rosie it was more like Diana Ross and the Supremes, as little by little she took over." And after learning just how saucy Babs has been in the past, it's clear that there's only room for one diva at the table, even if Walters prefers her trademark white-blonde feathered bob to an enormous afro.

BARBARA WALTERS: I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MARRIED SENATOR EDWARD BROOKE [NYDN]
THE VIEW [ABC]

Tom Cruise's Couch-Jumping Justification: 'It Was A Moment'

Seth — Fri, 02 May 2008 14:40:00 PDT

Seeing a plum opening right off the bat, Winfrey notes the two are seated on precisely the kind of cushy, upholstered furniture that launched her interview subject into the Harpo Studios rafters three years ago. She goes on to frankly admit, "I was a little nervous, since you and I haven't had not sat down for a real conversation since [scare quotes] 'the sofa' incident...I was like, 'Wow'...what was that?" Wow indeed. Cruise goes on to justify the love-powered trampolining as "a moment...I just felt that way." Like any frightened, woodland critter reared into a corner a mountainside hunting lodge, however, Cruise eventually struck back: "You were egging me on! You were egging me on. You were egging me on! You were egging me on, too," he repeated, vengefully. [Oprah.com]

WATCH VIDEO

Tom Cruise's Origin Myth: Bound In Leather

Seth — Fri, 02 May 2008 14:00:00 PDT

This is it! The East Coast has already watched the first of two up-close-and-personal hours with Tom Cruise on The Oprah Winfrey Show, and we've taken the liberty of pulling a preview of what you'll see in just a little over an hour. Feel free to move on if you'd rather be surprised. It begins with a tour of the actor's Telluride home (we're in a superstar's vacation home! Don't touch anything!), with Oprah inquiring about a bookshelf containing a leather-bound copy of every script he's ever made, Tom's margin notes included. ("More intensity!!!" "What's Brian Flanagan's motivation, beyond mixing the perfect Mai Tai?" "YEss, or yeESS? See what works...")

He then reads aloud the original stage direction for the scene that would ultimately launch him to superstardom: the Risky Business "Old Time Rock N Roll" dance sequence, during the the shooting of which Cruise, just 19 at the time, got on all fours and waxed the floor to a slippery, high sheen to help facilitate his big, pantless entrance. More as it comes...

Oprah.com

'Time' Mag Names 100 Most Influential, Awards High Honors To Lorne Michaels And...Peter Gabriel?

Molly Friedman — Fri, 02 May 2008 12:35:00 PDT

It's official: the world-saving baby-making duo of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are no longer mere entertainers. They are "heroes and pioneers." At least according to the categorical rankings of Time's 100 Most Influential List released today. And not only are they the most influential heroes, they're apparently more influential than Oprah Winfrey. And Tony Blair. In any case, among the "artists and entertainers," the mag happily ranks Lorne Michaels and Robert Downey Jr. high above icky Suze Orman and preachy George Clooney, but we do take issue with several other entries, after the jump.

Lorne Michaels (#58) not only ranked higher than stoner comedy overlord Judd Apatow (#61), but he also got a better writer to script his defense: his darling protege Tina Fey, rather than smushy-faced Garry Shandling, who begins his piece on Judd by saying, "I know Judd Apatow. And I know myself. And I am no Judd Apatow." Yes, Garry, we knew that already. Where've you been by the way? We kind of miss you. But as we said, we do take issue with several rankings. For example, Miley Cyrus (#59) beat out the Coen brothers (#62). While Cyrus and her Hannah Montana franchise may have generated billions of dollars, the Coens not only won four Oscars for adapting a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel and created one of the most chilling villains in cinematic history, but No Country For Old Men happened to rake in more cash at the box office ($74mm) than Miley's 3-D concert flick ($65mm). Does a newbie shilling pop songs for Disney really deserve a higher ranking than a pair of filmmakers who've earned mounds of respect for their art? Truth be told, we'd have no issue with Miley beating out the Coens had this list been established post-Topless Scandal. Apparently nude 15 year-olds "influence" the masses like crazy.

[Photo credits: Time]

COMPLETE LIST: THE TIME 100 [Time]

David Blaine's 'A-Ha' Moment Comes After 17th Oxygen-Deprived Minute

Seth — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:10:00 PDT

Extreme endurance artist David Blaine has certainly stunned the world before with his well-publicized stunts—from spending three weeks journeying through an (unfortunately impacted) Blue Whale's digestive system, to the time he was flash-frozen inside a block of carbonite atop the Arc de Triomphe. But it was the seemingly simplest of tasks that eluded him: breaking the world record for breath-holding, previously held by a centenarian fisherman from Tanzania rumored by villagers to have been sired by a frog. All that changed today on The Oprah Winfrey Show of all places, where the low-talking illusionist was deprived of oxygen for an amazing 17 minutes and 4 seconds. We've included video of the final two, during which an increasingly agitated Oprah grips the thigh of the monitoring physician beside her, asking reasonable enough questions along the lines of, "OK, his eyes just crossed, his skin turn blue, and he slowly floated to the surface. Is that considered a bad sign?"

Oprah.com

Why Oprah And Rachael Ray Hate Each Other, In Words And Pictures

Seth — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 12:20:00 PDT

Frankly, we don't know what might have come between Oprah Winfrey and Rachael Ray, the easy-meal guru and multimedia mogul whose career she helped to launch. But there it is, plain as day, on the cover of the new issue of trusted celebrity news source National Enquirer: "YOU MAKE ME SICK!" Four little words that will change...everything. Obviously, there was no guaranteeing that all Harpo hatchlings would remain as loyal to their mentor as, say, a Nate Berkus, available round-the-clock to board an O-emblazoned helicopter whisking him off to solve 4 a.m. window-treatment crises in Santa Barbara. Even Dr. Phil, that unspeakably bald evil that Winfrey almost certainly wishes she could undo, maintains a level of civility with his Maker. But not that pistol Ray—her feisty Sicilian and Cajun ancestries rendering her even more ornery than a cankle-afflicted Kirstie Alley.

nationalenquirer.com
NATIONAL ENQUIRER: FACE-OFF BETWEEN OPRAH & RACHAEL RAY! [coverawards.com]

The Force Is Strong In This Nerd Screaming At Briefcases

Seth — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:00:19 PDT

· We think we have a worthy successor to the Star Wars Holiday Special for the most blasphemous use of the property, like, ever. That said, that Darth Banker's a hard-ass, isn't he? $49,000? But there's five large amounts still left in play—including the million! [Deal or No Deal]
· "Organizers of a major California music festival are offering a $10,000 reward and four festival tickets for life in exchange for ex-Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters' two-story inflatable pig." [Reuters]
· David Blaine will try to break the 17-minute world record for breath holding on The Oprah Winfrey Show, which is fine and all, but it's no Criss Angel mindfreaking her brains out. [AP]
· Her new six-hour-a-day workout regimen sometimes requires that Britney Spears walk around the gym wearing nothing but a towel. [Daily Mail]
· Paramount takes a heavy swig of the Blu-Ray Kool-Aid (which, oddly enough, tastes like raspberry with a slightly bitter after-taste). [THR]

Promo Suggests Oprah's Tom Cruise Interview Won't Be Another Celebrity-Hummer Special

Seth — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 14:25:00 PDT

If a single, still image of Tom Cruise's reunion with Oprah Winfrey was enough to get our salivary glands going overtime, a video promo of Friday's history-making interview would almost certainly require us to surrender all control over bodily functions and social decorum. And so it went, our pulse quickening and pants filling with each progressively teased hardball: "Do you feel you've been misunderstood?" (Prediction: "No.") "How's Kate's family accepting you?" ("Great!") "True, not true?" ("True! No—wait! Not true!") "Do you regret saying that?" ("Regret is a suppressive emotion.) "This is to clear up everything." ("I'm already clear.") Just three more days!

Oprah.com

Photo Taken At Cruise Compound Shows Oprah Looking Afraid But Unharmed

Seth — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:35:00 PDT

Pictured, Harpo Productions released the first promotional image from Oprah Winfrey's much-publicized, two-part interview with Tom Cruise. Shot near the actor's vacation home in Telluride, it shows the two superstars riding a V.I.P. chairlift to the top of Cruise's private peak. (Oprah expressed concern that the only thing supporting her was a "thin metal bar," at which point Cruise wrapped an arm firmly around the talk show host and whispered, "Don't you worry. I got you. I got you tight." That in turn elicited an inexplicable laughing fit from Cruise, leading Winfrey, now afraid for her life, to reluctantly join in.) Three-quarters of the way up Mt. Hubbard, Cruise signaled to the operator, and the lift came to an abrupt stop; the Valkyrie star then eased himself onto his feet, and, a stunned Winfrey looking on, proceeded to take several flying leaps off the seat, pumping his fist into the frigid Colorado air as he shouted, "This is how I still feel about Kate, Oprah! I'm jumping 2400 feet high! That's how in love with this girl, the mother of my child and wife, now and forever, I truly am!"

The first part of the special airs May 2.

Oprah's Two-fer With Tom [AccessHollywood.com]

All-Wicker Set Planned For Tom Cruise's 'Oprah' Return

Seth — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 10:00:00 PDT

Think back, to before Tom Cruise the Cycloptic Nazi-Hunter, before Cruise the Android-Baby-Wrangler (but not to Cruise the Goateed Samurai—that's too far), all the way to the Tom Cruise of May 2005: A man in the throes of a love so monstrous, the only way he could adequately relay it to Oprah Winfrey was by mounting the talk show host's couch, and, in a vivid demonstration of Hooke's law, using the coiled energy stored inside her upholstered seating to launch himself 23 feet into the air.

It was, in no uncertain terms, a life-defining moment for the superstar, who'll no doubt address that and the many exciting developments that followed when he returns to Winfrey's show for a two-part special airing May 2 and 5. (The occasion: The 25th anniversary of Risky Business, a milestone only slightly less anticipated than Top Gun's own quarter-century birthday in 2011, marked by an historic reunion between Cruise and a 270-lb Val Kilmer on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.)

Tom Cruise returns to Oprah show [BBC]

Oprah Sued For Not Properly Restraining Her Hysterical Following

Molly Friedman — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 09:43:08 PDT

Another day, another lawsuit against Lord Oprah. According to TMZ, an audience member who recently had her dreams come true by being allowed to sit among the teary-eyed, wild and crazy women who plunk themselves down in Winfrey's studio day after day, has been brutally trampled by her fellow Oprah-loving fans during a taping:

"Greenberg says that she, along with an 'excess number of patrons'...were told to enter the studio and sit 'where they wanted, causing a stampede. She says was pushed down a flight of stairs as the rabid fans 'rushed the gate' while pushing and shoving one another."

Perhaps Oprah should start instituting assigned seating? Women this Oprah-crazed anxiously awaiting their meet and greet with the master of ceremonies shouldn't be allowed in the same waiting room, let alone allowed to roam free through the studio decapitating each other and breaking limbs just to land that front row seat. But! Our worries ensue. With news that female fan favorite Jennifer Aniston will appear on the show's finale, unknown housewives getting trampled is the least of our worries. If these Oprah-loving ladies are vicious enough to throw each other down stairwells just to see the Queen, just how many stairwells will they push each other down in order to see the ex-Mrs. Pitt? We advise Jen to hire as many bodyguards as possible. Just as long as they're not Britney's.

Was Oprah Winfrey's 'Big Give' A Big Ol' Rip-Off?

Molly Friedman — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 16:23:24 PDT

In case you hadn't heard, Oprah's Big Give special, which aired on ABC March 2nd, was a hit in the smashiest hit kind of way. The debut attracted 15.7 million viewers, which HuffPo claims was the highest rated primetime show that week aside from American Idol. While it's no surprise that anything Oprah does is bound to reel in a massive audience, her latest profitable stunt may have been formulated under unethical circumstances. A Boston mother of four named Darlene Tracy is claiming Oprah stole the idea from a pitch she'd laid out for Oprah's producers, a nearly identical idea called The Philanthropist, "in which contestants are challenged to help the needy." And now she's taking legal action. But after reviewing the history behind these series of unfortunate events, we're putting on our thinking caps (boy were they hard to find!) to try and figure out whether or not Darlene has a case or not...

Although Darlene had no television experience to speak of, she managed to get a fully outlined pitch into the hands of Oprah producer Ellen Rakieten in early 2005, who then joined forces with another producer on the show to follow up with Darlene and "ask for more details." But four months later, Oprah's Harpo Production company decided to pass. Lo and behold, over a year later, the big (and sometimes small) O announced her plans to launch an altruism-themed show. Darlene immediately went into action, filing suit and attempting to halt production, but a judge sided with Oprah and her undoubtedly powerful legal guns.

But Darlene isn't finished fighting. She's since filed an appeal, which happens to coincide with Oprah's plans to release a Big Give book, and potential publisher Simon & Schuster is conflicted about putting out a book just as Oprah's team is under legal pressure. But aside from the drama and the details, is there really such a thing as "original" programming these days? Particularly in the daytime/reality show genre? Consider the Dance Doctor, who claimed ABC stole his idea for So You Think You Can Dance, the fashionistas who sued Brothers Weinstein and clueless Heidi Klum over Project Runway. Neither party had a chance up against the big guns at ABC and Bravo, and we fear Darlene is facing an even more daunting battle. Hell, Bill Clinton's been helping the poor kids in Harlem for years just by being there and throwing cash at every cause above 110th Street! Public philanthropy stunts performed by bold-faced names aren't the most unique "ideas" in TV executives' bags of tricks (as much as we secretly wish one of the little guys was finally capable of tripping Miss Winfrey's unstoppable gait). As usual, "developing..."

Kirstie Alley Hopes Her New Talk Show Turns Out More Like 'Tyra', Less Like 'Gabrielle'

Molly Friedman — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 11:29:51 PDT

The last time Kirstie Alley appeared on daytime television (flaunting her slim-ish new frame on Oprah), we applauded the self-proclaimed Fat "Actress" for keeping up her promise to Jenny Craig. But after squirming through the appearance, we ultimately decided one daytime appearance was enough for us to stomach. Kirstie, however, seems to disagree. People is reporting that Alley has just signed a deal with Oprah's Harpo production company to host her very own daytime show (in addition to other potentially televised projects). As Alley herself put it, "Nothing shocks me. I'm a great listener. I'm a good comedian. And I won't lie - I live a beautiful life." But considering the ill fates of both Megan Mullally's and Gabrielle Carteris' attempts to lure housewives into their femme-angled daily circle of televised love, we have to wonder whether or not Kirstie's destined for cancellation, or fierce enough to carry on the tradition of fellow slim-ish daytime host Tyra Banks...

As we all know, Megan's daytime show with a confusing chit-chat theme about all topics under the sun (we assume she was angling for Oprah's spot in the limelight, but why, Megan, why?) was swiftly canceled over a year ago, marking her post-Will And Grace comeback a quasi-disaster. And then there was the case of comeback-seeking Gabrielle Carteris, who debuted Gabrielle in 1995, only to have it canceled within a year. (But hey! She kinda "came back" on The Surreal Life along with Corey Feldman in 2005, right? Well, nevermind.)

But there is one daytime diva whose footsteps Kirstie might consider following, and those footsteps belong to Miss Tyra. The secret to Tyra's success remains a mystery to us, but her repeated usage of fat suits to prove that some kind of fatist conspiracy theory exists seems to keep viewers tuning in. While we doubt Kirstie would dare chub up for the cameras, we'd advise her to force her audience members into the sweaty contraptions.

KIRSTIE ALLEY SIGNS DEAL WITH OPRAH [People]
KIRSTIE ALLEY SIGNS DEAL WITH OPRAH WINFREY'S HARPO PRODUCTIONS [Digital Media Net]

From Your Mouth To Blog's Ear: It's 'Jewno!'

Seth — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 17:53:35 PDT

· The beauty of Jewno is in its attention to detail. To wit: a bagels, lox, & cream cheese phone. [YouTube]
· Prince at Coachella! [LAT]
· Today in sci-fi: First glimpses of the Starfleet Nerdcademy. Arthur C. Clarke dies in Sri Lanka at age 90. [aintitcool.com, Reuters]
· Watch Adam Carolla call Carrie Ann Inaba a "bitch" on last night's Dancing with the Stars premiere. [TMZ]
· CBS's godawful sitcoms post higher ratings than ever since returning from the strike. Seriously, though. Just the pits. That Christine one? And the Big Bang one? Ugh. [THR]
· Kirstie Alley has signed a deal with Harpo to develop "future television projects, including a possible daily strip format." We hope that just means a five-episode-per-week syndie, and not that Alley will be prancing around again on the Oprah stage in a bathing suit with any regularity. [ETOnline]

Despite Cancellation Rumors, Rachael Ray Performs Nicely Among Highly Coveted Alter Kaker Demo

Seth — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 10:12:03 PDT

Page Six has ignited quite the firestorm with their report today that Rachael Ray, the homecooking guru whose open-mouth circumference quite improbably exceeds that of her entire head, is at high risk for cancellation. The reason: dwindling ratings and a rapidly aging demographic, whose calcified joints can barely manage to crack open a bottle of EVOO. (We wont get into the hard numbers here, but if you're really interested, the Sixers throw up a bunch of pie charts and nanaimo bar graphs to prove their point.) But wait! A representative from King World disputes their claims, saying Ray has managed to even outperformed the talk show deity who fashioned her in her own image out of a variety of dipping sauces. From HuffPo:

Some of what King World told HuffPost this morning:
"The "Rachael Ray" show is one of the best talk show performers and during the recently completed February sweeps period there was only one show performed better — Dr. Phil. In today's Broadcasting & Cable you can see a story about how well we did during the February sweep that saw Oprah was down 15% from last February, Regis and Kelly was down 16%, Tyra Banks down 13% and Martha Stewart down 27%. [...]

[I]f we want to talk median ages in first run syndication let's talk about Regis at 56.1, Oprah at 54.6, Wheel of Fortune 64.1 and Jeopardy at 63.2. Our show has a wide appeal with audiences in all age groups."

And don't even get them started on such geriatric syndie smashes as Maury at 89.3, Merv Griffin's Crosswords at 94.5, and Judge David "Justice with a Snap" Young at 117.9! Once you put the numbers into perspective, Ray's 55.1 median age makes her audience the tweens of the syndicated viewership market. Certainly, with this youthful, trendy, spend-happy demo—the twolds—in her corner, Ray has nothing to worry about where cancellation is concerned.

Report: Rachael Ray Getting The Ax, King World Vehemently Denies [HuffPo]

The Color Purple is reportedly heading back ...

Seth — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 10:52:51 PST

The Color Purple is reportedly heading back to the screen, this time in the form of the Oprah Winfrey-produced Broadway musical currently starring American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino. "'That's going to happen and I'm going to do it,' the former Idol champ said, smiling broadly. 'They're going to work with me. They don't have to [but] that's a favor,' Fantasia said. 'Working with someone like Miss Oprah who's so talented and amazing - It's a blessing.'" Approached for comment, Miss Oprah explained, "All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my uncles. I had to fight my brothers. A girl child ain't safe in a family of men, but I ain't never thought I'd have the opportunity to bring this timeless musical adventure into theaters everywhere, Summer 2009! And don't forget to watch Oprah's Big Give, ABC Sundays at 9!" [moviesblog.mtv.com]

Drew Barrymore Feels So Much Better After Giving Those Starving African Children A Fraction Of Her 'Music And Lyrics' Salary

Seth — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 18:01:23 PST

It's Oprah's Big Give fever! YOU get to give! And YOU get to give! EVeryBOdy GETS to GIVE! To start the ball rolling, we offer documented Mac-enthusiast Drew Barrymore, who made a donation of $1 million of her personal fortune to an organization that feeds Kenyan children, written out on a giant, Price Is Right-style check and presented on The Oprah Winfrey Show today. It was a gesture of such heartfelt magnanimity that none other than Drew's Charlie's Angels co-star and bestest friend Cameron Diaz (secret, mutual nickname: Poo) called in to congratulate her on the gesture. Lucy Liu, meanwhile, waited patiently on Line 2; unfortunately, time restraints never allowed her to publicly state that she too was all for Barrymore's decision to give $1 million to a very worthy cause.

oprah.com

'THR' Review Takes Oprah's Name In Vain

Seth — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 12:38:53 PST

While we here at Defamer are perfectly happy recognizing Oprah Winfrey as the supreme deity that she is, her rare missteps (if you want to call Beloved a misstep—but personally, we loved it, O exalted one!) obviously part of some Bigger Oprah Picture that has yet to reveal itself to us, not all are as worshipful. In reviewing her 8-episode Oprah's Big Give reality show for ABC, THR's Ray Richmond gives Winfrey a knee-capping sure to cause a torrent of hellfire and substandard panini presses to rain down upon their offices. Some of the most sacrilegious highlights:

[T]here is nary a single genuine giving moment to be found during the opening hour.

It is instead a profoundly hyperkinetic and unwieldy adventure in product placement, in Oprah-as-Messiah hype and, ultimately, in what's so utterly fake and insidious about "reality" television itself. [...]
Shallow as a birdbath, the program would appear to exist less as a true philanthropic exercise than yet another self-aggrandizing vehicle in Oprah's divine quest to become synonymous with all that is virtuous and good on Earth.

We bid the reviewer a fond farewell, who's likely moments away from being snatched from his desk by her army of Ugg-booted flying Harpo monkeys and dropped into the nearest active volcano. THR, meanwhile, will shortly thereafter find itself absorbed into the talk show host's ever-expanding empire, reconfigured into RÖM, the official in-flight magazine of Oprah Airways.

Oprah's Big Give [THR]

Oprah Winfrey Trapped In Heated Political Exchange With Gas Station Attendant

Seth — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 14:42:08 PST

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often—the fate of the universe relies upon it! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you stumbled upon Woody Harrelson telling a Yoga studio receptionist about a marvelous new contraption that turns poop into drinking water.

In today's episode: Oprah Winfrey; Carla Gugino and Elizabeth Berkley; Brad Pitt and Zahara; Alec Baldwin; Kiefer Sutherland; Dave Chapelle; Forest Whitaker; Drew Barrymore and Justin Long; Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy; Woody Harrelson; James Spader; Tim Roth; Lisa Kudrow; Rob Schneider; Dylan McDermott; Gil Bellows, Ken Olin, Justin Kirk, and Cameron Crowe; Mischa Barton; Jason Segel; Adam Levine; Emilie de Ravin; Seth Binzer; and Luenell.

· Monday 4th Feb, heading to Runyon Canyon, stopped at the gas station at Sunset & Fairfax for some much needed agua. Dude took my money & then continued his conversation with another customer..."so, looks like your guy is two points ahead". A glance at said customer revealed none other than OPRAH WINFREY! Took me a sec to realize it was her - huge D & G wraparounds, black tracksuit and girlfriend...that is some booty ya got going on. Let's hope the snacks she was perusing were for the 2 white yapping small dogs in the Merc outside. As if that's not enough, descending from said hike, passed two fresh faced beauties talking & walking up the hill. CARLA GUGINO & ELIZABETH BERKLEY. Both cute & skinny...no surprise there.

· I was headed to see "Cloverfield" at The Grove when I heard some commotion behind me. I turned to see Brad Pitt carrying Zahara and being accosted by a tenacious paparazzi photog. The guy was a total pest, but Pitt kept his cool. As he shook the photo-spaz, I heard Pitt reassuring Z. that everything was okay and basically apologizing to her that she had to go through that. I felt bad, but quickly thereafter felt worse for myself that I had to shell out $11.50 to see somebody shoot a home movie of Godzilla.

· Alec Baldwin Friday 2/2 at the Starbucks in Studio City. Contrary to his well-known cellphone-screaming history, though, he was quiet and polite. Waited in line, tipped well and held the door for people on the way in and out. That peacoat and widewale cords weren't doing him any favors, though. He was looking, um, stocky, to say the least.

· Saw Kiefer at Spaceland in Silverlake last night (Jan 31). He went straight for the door despite the huge line, apparently to ask if Castledoor had already played. He was very apologetic about cutting in line to the girls at the front; after he talked to the doorman he went and hung out on the curb with a male friend until someone insisted they come in. He was all smiles, wearing an Iron Workers' Union jacket. Good to see him on the Eastside.

· Jack Bauer likes indie rock?! I was at Spaceland last Thursday night for the final, packed night of buzz band the Airborne Toxic Event's residency there, and who is standing right in front of me but the recently-released Kiefer Sutherland, who arrived early to brave the line. (It was, by the way, the longest line I have ever seen at the Silver Lake club.) He stayed from the beginning of the night all the way through the headlining band's set, singing along with the tunes and telling his friends how much he loved it. Afterwards, he hung around for a bit, taking some pictures with the violin girl from ATE and shooting the shit with the guys from the Deadly Syndrome. Who knew Jack Bauer had such good taste in music?

· Feb 1. - Dave Chapelle keeping it low profile at Swingers on Beverly. He looked a little thin but that might be because I've gotten so fat because of this strike. Come back, Dave, we need you.

January 30 - Forest Whitaker at the gas station on Beverly and Fairfax. Sweet Beamer! I had to hold myself back from telling him how beautiful his wife looked at the SAG awards.

January 27/28 - Drew Barrymore and Justin Long at the Apple Store at the Grove. Giggling as they read the blog 100 Days in Bed. Zexy!

· 2/3, about 5:15 p.m.: It's not every day that you see Oscar nominees-slash-Emmy winners at the local drugstore. Well, it's kinda every day here. But that doesn't make it less cool that, while making a Super Bowl halftime meal run, I ran into Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy at the Rite-Aid on La Brea and Santa Monica. They looked adorably normal with their two cute little daughters, even with Bill's crew cut and mustache - must be for a movie, I hope think.

· Was going to Maha Yoga in Brentwod tonight (Jan 26) and a dude wearing no shoes (just white tube socks?) opened the door for me. It was none other than Woody Harrelson. He asked at the front desk if they had any sandals, but the lady told him they only had women's left. I overheard him chitchatting about his trip to Kentucky to promote some sort of system that turns poop into drinking water. The other two members of the Shirtless Stoned Triumvirate were nowhere to be found; maybe next week.

· Saturday 2/2 at Sushi Ike on Hollywood Blvd I was seated across from James Spader. He looked good in his dark-rimmed glasses and younger than recent pics I've seen. He was with a hot-but-age-appropriate redhead and one of his sons, who looks like Fred Savage circa 1995. No really, a lot like Fred Savage. When he left he bid a large and friendly farewell to the staff and chefs.

· Not sure if this was overreported to you guys or not, but TIM ROTH was all over the Health/Autolux show last Friday at the El Rey (2/1). He was taking photos of the band from all over the sides of the stage, striding confidently out of the side stage door area (presumably for no reason, I'm sure they have bathrooms and booze backstage), and kind of weirding out all the indie rock fans in general. What's that guy from Pulp Fiction doing here? was a question wafting about the area - I also reminded them he was "the bad guy in Rob Roy".

Here's an unconvincing photo I tried to take of him as he snapped away during the Autolux set.

· Was at the 7:05 showing of 27 Dresses at the AMC Century City 15 on Sat night. Lisa Kudrow was sitting next to me with her friend. Both seemed to enjoy the movie, and their small bags of popcorn. No one made of big deal of this

· Saw Rob Schneider in a sloppy red tee shirt having lunch with a buddy at real food daily today. (2/5)

· Weds, January 30 - Dylan McDermott waiting for his car in a strip mall off of Santa Monica Blvd. I assume he'd had lunch at Hamasaku. Was really nice - when the valet accidentally handed my friend's car keys to him, he joked about switching cars!

· The strike-bearded masses convened at the Ryan Adams show on 1/31, including: mustachioed Gil Bellows, paunchy Ken Olin, dreamy Justin Kirk (who hopefully found special appreciation for the pot jokes), frequent attendee Cameron Crowe, and that chick who played "Jane Doe" on Grey's Anatomy (imdb says her name is Elizabeth Reaser). I'm sure there were others, but I was hypnotized by Spacewolf for most of the show.

· Saw Mischa Barton last night (2/4) sucking face with some scrappy dude in a booth at the Rainbow Bar & Grill...

· feb 1, The 'Ho, How I Met Your Mother/Knocked Up's Jason Segel smoking a ciggy in front of Basix. tall and smoking nerd hot, rocking a scarf while waiting for a friend. i'd hold his bong any day, earthquake or not.

· Adam Levine at Katsuya Hollywood last night (2/3/08), pretty trendy sighting at a pretty trendy place. He was with a group of hipster guys and girls, they were there for a few hours and seemed to be enjoying the delicious yellowtail.

· Feb 6 - I saw "Lost" star Emilie de Ravin at the Farmers Market's Monsieur Marcel market the other day. She was buying red wine and no one recognized her. Looks like she's spent her strike downtime eating.

· Jan 5: Seth Binzer in Van Nuys traffic court: He looked like a mohawked butterfly in his bejeweled green hoodie and gilded t shirt. I had randomly caught the first episode of Celebrity Rehab, otherwise I would have thought he was just a regular douche, not a sober celebrity douche. Seth Binzer had some photo copies of rehab completion certificates, and the look on his face was proud. He explained he had missed multiple court dates because he was in "several recovery centers" and I swear he looked about to name drop Dr. Drew. I think the judge had seen the show too, because he was much less condescending to old Shifty Shellshock than he was to the rest of us. After explaining that while going to rehab voluntarily is commendable, it's no excuse for missing court dates, the judge knocked his fines down to about a grand. One can only imagine what they were to begin with. His violations were kind of weird, including driving a vehicle without mirrors. Just when I thought this guy was gonna be the only one of us not publicly put in our place by this just judge, Seth asked for a One-Stop. The judge said, "I've never heard of a One-Stop." Seth said, "Yeah! This guy in line told me that since I was here I could go ahead and take care of this other ticket I got in Sherman Oaks and-" The judge cut him off and said, "No son. That's why you don't listen to jail house lawyers or guys standing in line. You have to take care of all your court appearances individually. You cannot do a One-Stop." I didn't see if the judge used scare quotes or not, but it sounded that way.

After Seth met with the cashier he said to his one man entourage "I got six months to pay this. After six months, I'm gonna reassess." I wish him the best.

· Feb 5 We saw Luenell— the prositute from Borat — dining with girlfriends at Chinois Monday night.

'Moment Of Truth' Polygraph Reveals Tyra Banks' Disturbing Oprah Envy!

Mark — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 13:18:51 PST

While it's still too early for new hit The Moment of Truth to officially resort to desperation stunts like a celebrity-boosted format, evil Fox reality TV mastermind Mike Darnell has expressed a refreshing willingness to tinker with the series in hopes of ratcheting up its initially disappointing tension levels, and it never hurts to experiment in a low-stakes environment.

Accordingly, Darnell dispatched host Mark Wahlberg to the Tyra Show for a star-lie-detecting test-run, where the concept finally seems to have fulfilled its promise of using the Truth to destroy lives in front on national television; now that she's admitted her petty jealousy of Oprah's success, we can expect that the daytime TV deity will soon strike down Banks for her deadly sin of Envy by ordering the immediate cancellation of Banks' show, then sending a wave of fiercely loyal minions from Wifnrey's own studio audience to mow down the former supermodel with their shiny, new, vengeance-dealing cars.

The Tyra Banks Show [tyrashow.com]

Report: Oprah Winfrey Network Deal Forces CAA Death Star To Devour One Of Its Own

Seth — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 17:45:19 PST

Life behind the gleaming walls of the CAA Death Star, it should hardly surprise you to hear, is not all baby-buffets and games: Being the most powerful agenting force in the universe means that daily, high-stakes deals negotiated by employees with Vader-sized ambitions will occasionally require the building to fold in on itself and munch on one of its own. Which is precisely what happened to TV packager Michael Camacho after getting his hands a little to deeply inside the Oprahphagus. From Deadline Hollywood Daily:

Camacho had been the sidekick to Kevin Huvane at CAA on the team that spent months making Oprah's deal with Discovery Communications to create an Oprah-branded TV network. "I love this kid. People really trusted him," an insider explained to me.
"But then he went and pitched her to run the whole thing. And then lied about it to Kevin." And CAA felt it had no choice but to let him go. That said, I hear CAA is trying to place Camacho into a company or help him start up his own.

Of course, every deal, no matter how large, requires a certain amount of finessing, and if it was truly Camacho's ambition to take over operations of Oprah's cable pulpit, there were certainly less jarring ways to nominate himself than having a house-sized gift basket containing 75,000 Perfect Endings cupcakes delivered to Harpo studios, along with an 7-foot-tall card reading, "Oprah: You are America's TV Queen. Let me be your King. Together we can rule the Universe. Love, Michael."

CAA Fires TV Agent Over Oprah Intrigue [deadlinehollywooddaily.com]

The Sound Of Two Hands Clapping

Mark Graham — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 18:36:23 PST

· Earlier today, Oprah emerged from her Oprahphagus long enough to welcome the world's fastest clapper onto her show. While we haven't scientifically verified this, we're also betting he's the world's fastest masturbator.
· If you're wondering how one goes about getting kicked off the My Little Pony fan forum, here's a handy primer.
· Since when does Indiana Jones have a bazooka? This probably means that The Beouf will be wielding a flamethrower.
· Paris Hilton spent last night frenching Elisha Cuthbert in NYC. We can think of worse ways to spend a Tuesday night.
· And lastly, looks like we just might have a baby J. Lo by this time tomorrow. Happy happy joy joy (or something).

Discovery Of Ancient Oprahphagus Suggests Ancient Civilizations Bowed To The Whims Of A Middle-Aged, Ugg-Boot-Loving Pharaohess

Seth — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 15:40:46 PST

Well, if we're going to be completely honest, we suppose that headline could be construed as slightly misleading—for the treasure before you wasn't in fact a major archaeological discovery, sealed for thousands of years behind stacks of A Million Little Pieces in a crypt 20 stories beneath an Mesopotamian talk show studio.

Rather, it's an all-new sculpture from fame-obsessed artist/social critic Daniel Edwards—the man responsible for such retina-searing masterworks as crowning Britney Spears, the Paris Hilton autopsy, and Suri Cruise's gilded poop—who dedicates the work to "the closest thing America has to a living deity." So evocative is the work of Winfrey's nearly mythical place in the history books, looking at it, you can practically hear ancient audiences screaming their headdresses off over the fabulous scarab jewelry, dog sculptures, and golden death masks they'd be taking home with them after scoring a lucky ticket to a taping of Queen Op's Favorite Things.

TV chat queen Oprah gets a less than flattering tubby bronze statue cast in her honour [dailymail.co.uk]