Defamer

Late Child Star Heather O'Rourke Writes Outraged Memo to God Upon Learning of 'Poltergeist' Remake [Heaven Sent]

STV — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:15:00 PDT

(Defamer today obtained this memo currently making the rounds in Heaven's Third District, Cloud Unit G — better known as "Sesame Heaven," or the Late Child Stars Dept. Reliable afterlife sources have confirmed its authenticity; we pass it along to you without further comment.)

Dear God,

Hi, God, it's me, Heather O'Rourke — the little girl from Poltergeist. How's tricks? I know how busy you must be dealing with the whole Isaac Hayes thing right now (my vote: let him in!), but when you get a second, I was hoping I might ask you for just one tiny little favor. It would really mean a lot, and I've been really good all these years and haven't requested anything except for that pony, but that was, like, 20 years ago when I first got here, and you never got back to me. No probs, though, God — I'm kinda glad it didn't work out, because now I need you to do me a much more important solid: Can you please smite the people responsible for this planned remake of Poltergeist?

I don't quite know how these things work; Brad Renfro told me you helped out with his dealer not too long ago, and that depending on my grievance I could get some "real fucking payback" (his words not mine, LOL). And I think I've got a pretty strong case. I'm sure you've heard about all these movies MGM is recycling — Red Dawn, RoboCop, etc. — which is all pretty tacky, if you ask me. Like, really, God, aren't there any new ideas? Then I heard this morning that they hired some writers to remake my movie Poltergeist. I couldn't believe it! We had such a good thing going back in 1982, and now they're just gonna go and unimaginatively squeeze another few dollars out of the property. I'm practically spinning in my grave!

Now listen, God: I have always minded my manners and been nice to everyone, as per Your dictates. But this really ticks me off, and if everyone else down on Earth gets to bomb, rape and kill each other with impunity, I don't see why I can't just this once ask you to strike someone with lightning or cast them opposite Billy Bob Thornton or at least scare some honest-to-You sense into them. Have you seen Poltergeist, God? I mean, I know you probably anticipated a lot of the twists, but didn't we do a good job overall — good enough to be left alone, anyway? It's not like we made Short Circuit (another forthcoming remake, but that's not my problem) or anything.

And frankly, God, You've already made enough trouble with the whole curse that brought me and my on-screen sister Dominique Dunne here prematurely. I think teaching these heathens a lesson would be a healthy first step in rehabilitating Your image among us.

Anyway, the people at MGM are named Harry Sloan, Mary Parent and Cale Boyter. The writers' names are Stiles White and Juliet Snowden, but I guess technically it's not their fault that this is happening, so please go easy on them — maybe an extended power outage, or an erased hard drive if they dare to revive my signature line, "They're heeeeeere." I trust You to determine the punishment for the studio people, though, especially with those other perversions they've wreaked of late. In fact, if You could get Tom Cruise himself to kill this project, I promise to clean my room and make my bed and eat my vegetables as long as I... well, You know.

So how about it, God? I'm really a sweet girl, but isn't enough enough? Let me know...

xo,

Heather

PS Leroi Moore, God? Really? That's just mean.

Josh Brolin's 'W' Impression: Erotically Accurate or Sub-'SNL'? [Two Amurricas]

Kyle Buchanan — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 12:40:00 PDT

Considering how the trailer for Oliver Stone's W. focused rather heavily on James Cromwell and Louis Armstrong, we're happy to bring you this new behind-the-scenes clip (courtesy of Access Hollywood), which offers the first extended glimpse of Josh Brolin doing his best impression of The Decider. It's the impersonation that's split the Defamer offices in half, with some calling it uncannily accurate (and uncomfortably erotic), and others finding Brolin miscast and not ready for prime time. We'll let you (and Elisabeth Hasselbeck!) be the judge, though keep in mind this is all B-roll; once Oliver Stone finally makes use of that green screen to take Bush on a kaleidoscopic journey through the jungles of Vietnam to the tune of "Riders on the Storm," perhaps we'll have the context we need to truly appreciate Brolin's performance. [Access Hollywood via Hollywood Elsewhere]

'When A Seal Loves A Klum' Pegged As Terrence Howard's First Crossover Single [Ballads]

Seth — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 12:20:00 PDT

"HEIDI KLUM AND SEAL’S LOVE STORY INSPIRES TERRENCE HOWARD’S NEW SONG" reads an Extra e-mail alert landed recently in the always lively Defamer tips box. Needless to say, we dove hungrily into the story, and learned that the girl-germ-phobic Crash star has his own album coming out—"Shine Through It"—led by a single called "Sanctuary" that was indeed inspired by the timeless romance of the pop singer and Project Runway host. Like us, Howard must have also been watching that Oprah episode when Klum recalled first laying eyes on her husband, sauntering through a hotel lobby in bicycle shorts: "[H]e came in just from the gym and I was sitting there and I was, like, wow. And I pretty much saw everything. The whole package." It was an electrifying moment, captured for eternity by Howard's haunting lyric, "His pants were/elastic/the bulge was/fantastic/Ohhhh sanctuary/Their love goes on." [Extra]

The Couple That Wears Cardigans Together, Stays Together [A Call To The Bullpen]

Douglas Reinhardt — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 12:00:00 PDT

Boomp3.com

Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker continued to defy the rumors that there's trouble in their personal paradise as they sported matching gray cardigans on Wednesday. Their child's own gray cardigan was taken out of commission earlier in the day thanks to an incident involving chocolate ice cream, but the couple vowed not to let that affect their trip. Broderick said with pride, "It's like we're the Mets. Right now, we're in first place in family fun and we're going to go all the way to big show."

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

'Operation Lowball' Places Kirk Kerkorian Back at Center of MGM Sale Rumors [The Lion King]

STV — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 11:30:00 PDT

If it's not bombs, bees and/or anthrax threatening to engulf MGM in a dense apocalyptic deathcloud, then there's always the Specter of Ownership Past to give the denizens of Constellation Drive a good mortal scare. But only if they're willing to suspend their disbelief long enough to imagine Kirk Kerkorian shuffling back into town on his black steed, blank check in one hand and studio valuation figures in the other, grinning wildly at the prospect of reclaiming the studio a fourth time in as many decades.

Most observers seem to think its a scenario as likely as the anthrax contagion rumored to be puffed through MGM Tower's central A/C, but frankly, we're in love with the idea. Moreover, we're in love with the 91-year-old mogul still rocking the brass balls it takes to reportedly offer $3 billion for the studio he sold to Sony four years ago for $5 billion:

Kerkorian's purported $3 billion offer roughly equates to the value of the studio implied in recent trading activity in MGM debt instruments, banking-community insiders noted. ...

Well-placed sources indicate MGM is sufficiently capitalized to fund film chief Mary Parent's ambitious new slate of film productions and other studio operations for at least another year. But after that, most believe, the studio likely will need to turn to new equity investors to maintain equilibrium.

We, too, had heard earlier whispers that Reliance Big Entertainment had considered an MGM bid before settling on DreamWorks for a fraction of the cost (and about 10 times the momentum), but thank goodness it took a pass. No potential deal boasts the appeal of Kerkorian 4.0, whose traditional role as Moribund MGM Heir historically augurs at least a few short-term miracles for the studio; the guy clearly can't wait to get in on that coveted remake of Red Dawn and/or putt around in the United Artists power vacuum. Which reminds us: Expect a press release from Harry Sloan by the end of the day assuring Hollywood that Tom Cruise is still in charge. He's just saying. Is all.

Rumor values MGM at $3 billion [THR]

The Bachelor's Shayne Lamas: Drunk, Naked, And Ready To Date Again [Singledom]

Seth — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 11:10:00 PDT

Lamas Family acting dynasty heiress Shayne Lamas may not have made love work with the green-card-curious man of her dreams, but by no means does that mean that she'd cover all the mirrors in her house, don a black cocktail dress, and mourn her broken engagement indoors. Life goes on for our little Monkey, as evidenced by a sequence of photographs on inebriated-social-interaction documentation site lastnightsparty.com. What starts out innocently enough, however, with a little round of "Who's the Marilyn-est of them all?" quickly devolves into a regrettable attempt at unbuckling a nearby patron's belt with her head, followed by a shocking display of unobstructed tuchus that will forever taint the pristine Bachelor brand. It's after the jump. But BEWARE! Shayne Lamas's dumps are NSFW!

Gambling Nights (NSFW) [lastnightsparty.com]

Bill Maher Accuses Sherri Shepherd Of Beating Her Children With A Stupid Stick [Feuds]

Kyle Buchanan — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 10:50:00 PDT

While promoting his new documentary Religulous (the hit of Claremont, CA!), the politically incorrect Bill Maher sat down with TV Guide for its upcoming August 25 issue. After discussing the religion-bashing doc, talk turned to The View (because when doesn't it?), and Maher was asked for his opinion on notorious flat-earther Sherri Shepherd. His response earned him a round of playground high-fives and "oh snaps":

She’s “the one who said the Earth isn’t round? First, we know it’s round because, like Sherri Shepherd, we can see it from space,” Maher quips.

“Secondly, to me this is child abuse. If you [can’t] tell your children if the Earth is flat or not … this is why this country is in such trouble. We’re bringing up ignorant children because they have ignorant parents.”

On Republican candidate John McCain, he says, “I’m amused when pundits say that McCain has to pick a running mate who’s younger than he is. You think? Who’s older?!”

Try the veal! But seriously, we hope this doesn't interfere with Maher's booking chances on The View; we can't wait to see Barbara Walters hold one fluttery hand to her chest, murmuring "Oh Dear," as Shepherd and Maher get into a "yo mama" battle royale. At the very least, can we get the man a spot on Wendy Williams?

[photo credit: AP]

TV Guide

Looks Like Somebody Wasn't Sure About Using Sure [A Call To The Bullpen]

Douglas Reinhardt — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 10:30:00 PDT

Boomp3.com

All heck broke loose at LAX on Tuesday afternoon when Kate Hudson entered a terminal with sweaty pits. One onlooker remarked, "I had always heard that celebrities were supposedly regular people like you and me, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that they would go out in public without applying a little anti-perspirant." Another onlooker, a self-described "excessive sweater", appreciated seeing a fellow sweater living their life to the fullest.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

Will This Performance Save Tom Cruise's Career? [Playing To The Back Row]

Seth — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 10:05:00 PDT

If nothing else, Tropic Thunder will go down as summer 2008's greatest single incubator of distractingly hairy outcroppings. Having already been lulled into a heady 'stache trance by the marvelous things happening atop Robert Downey Jr.'s lip on a recent GMA appearance, we now present for you a scene featuring Tom Cruise's much buzzed-about cameo as Les Grossman, the furry-knuckled, sociopathic studio chief who wants his war movie delivered on time and under budget.

While much has been made of whether or not this tangent into the realm of prosthetics-and-yak-hair-based comedy marked a new beginning for the faltering superstar's career—or a spectacular start to its end—there's no denying Cruise's investment in the demonic performance, as if he realized what was stake as the cameras rolled. Yes, this is truly one for the ages, with Cruise's unforgettable delivery of, "Take a big step back, and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE" sure to be sandwiched between the Risky Business underwear sequence and Born on the Fourth of July's climactic protest scene in future billion-year lifetime achievement award ceremony highlight reels.

Tom Cruise’s ‘Tropic Thunder’ Cameo Leaks to YouTube, Is Not Funny [Vulture]

'NY Post' Alleges That John Cusack's Childhood is Sold, Bought, and Processed [Are You Shaking?]

Kyle Buchanan — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:50:00 PDT

When John Cusack called us up and asked, "If I answer your questions, will you stop writing nasty shit about me?" we demurred — sadly, he didn't try the same tack with the New York Post. The left-leaning actor is a juicy target for the conservative tabloid, and after Cusack was asked to contribute an essay to the new HuffPost Chicago by his friend, "the good and great Arianna," the Post tore it wide open like a disgruntled Must Love Dogs ticketbuyter. What they allege they've found is a whole host of errors and made-up childhood reminiscences:

JOHN Cusack learned he should stick to acting with his first piece for the Huffington Post Chicago - which was "riddled with more errors than the 2006 Cubs," according to one blogger. Cusack, who was writing about his childhood as a fan of the Cubs, the White Sox, Michael Jordan and Walter Payton, managed to misspell the names of three Cubs players and of playwright Eugene O'Neill. Cusack also erroneously stated that Sammy Sosa played for the '89 Cubs. Finally, the "High Fidelity" star described taking the "express" train to Wrigley Field. There has never been an express to Wrigley. Cusack - whose last two movies, "Grace Is Gone" and "War, Inc.," were both anti-war bombs - also described how he would "scrape together $2.50" to go to a baseball game. "Cusack grew up in a massive house on Sheridan Road," said another reader of the Beachwood Reporter Web site. "It's slightly disingenuous to say he had to 'scrape' together $2.50. I'm thinking that wasn't an issue."

Also, is there really any such person as "John Cusack," or is it an elaborate ruse cooked up by "childhood friend" Jeremy Piven? It's no coincidence that you never see the two of them together anymore... could this be the reason that the Piv was shut out of High Fidelity? Were the CGI costs simply too high? When will the Huffington Post renounce the John Cusack-impersonating Jeremy Piven???

[photo credit: AP]

Cusack's Strikeout [NY Post]
Bleary-eyed in Bangkok: Daybreak Memories of Chicago [HuffPo]

Palimony Suit Could Force Jodie Foster's 'Midlife Crisis' $25 Million Over Budget [Wife Swap]

STV — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:30:00 PDT

Jodie Foster really has gotten off exceptionally easy so far in her dizzying, delicate miracle of new love with homewrecking writer/producer Cynthia Mort, with her most significant cash outlays being that always-steep first date and the extravagant "My Condolences" balloon bouquet sent Mort's way after HBO canceled her show Tell Me You Love Me. Foster had fared even better with ex Cydney Bernard, who, after 14 years of cohabitative bliss, spared the Oscar-winner the ugliness of custody squabbles, L Word box-set splits and other public indignities. Her typically low public profile escalated for what felt like mere minutes, soon returning to its subtle, cultivated ebb of lesbian quietude — just the way she likes it.

Oh, but for the good old days, we're learning as the all-knowing National Enquirer — your trusted (and print-only in this case, we're afraid) oracle for anonymously sourced Foster's Splitsville drama — now reports that the actress's romantic reboot may cost her a quarter of her fortune. Or, adjusted roughly for inflation, $25 million:

Over the summer, however, Jodie began to realize just how much was at stake financially. ... The actress has an estimated net worth of $100 million, with at least $50 million being earned during her relationship with Cydney. Cydney could ask for — and likely get — half of the $50 million if she sued Jodie.

To counter that threat, the source says Jodie is desperately trying to keep peace between her new lover and Cydney. "She wants them to be friends," the source said. "Jodie realizes that if Cydney perceives them to be one big happy family, she'd never sure for half her assets."

And what signifies a "big happy family"? Free residency for Bernard at one of Foster's homes in LA, for starters, followed by invitations to "parties and barbecues" to visit Foster's sons Charles and Kit. And, of course, a classically Foster-esque buyout that we'll likely never know about, requiring a yearly six-figure annuity and the contractual divestiture of Foster's beloved, Scorsese-signed Taxi Driver one-sheet to Bernard's lawyers "just for the hell of it." A tough break, to be sure — perhaps the star's toughest yet. But for a younger woman and anything else worth having, pay now or pay later; we just hope this doesn't necessitate Nim's Island 2.

Katherine Heigl Ain't Got Nothing On Me! [A Call To The Bullpen]

Douglas Reinhardt — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:00:00 PDT

Boomp3.com

Megan "Foxy" Fox gave her ailing Transformers co-star Shia LeBeouf more than eyeful when he returned to work this week. In addition to helping her injured co-star feel better, Fox used the opportunity to settle a bet amongst the crew about whether her pair were both real and spectacular (hint: they are). Fox also added, "If Heigl thinks her girls are fierce, wait until she gets a load of these bad boys."

[Photo Credit: X17]

Crashing Cars And Flushing Drugs: 'The Two Coreys' Season Finale [Short Ends]

Mark Graham — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:00:00 PDT

· Mercifully, the second season of The Two Coreys came to a close this weekend. The Haimster spent all season trying to convince Felddog, his therapist, Nelle, the show's producers and everyone watching the show that he didn't have a drug problem. While it may be true that his addiction to the hard stuff is in the past, the one-car accident that he got into in the season finale certainly shows that prescription drugs still play a significant role in his life. Until next season... [The Two Coreys]
· Looking for a good way to kill about 20 minutes of your workday? Try the Empire Magazine poster quiz on for size. Full disclosure: We just got 23/46. [Empire]
· Spaghetti, opera, white wine and cardigans with rolled-up sleeves: what the '80s were all about. [Goldenfiddle]
· While won't go so far as to say that this girl's Katie Holmes impression tops our own Molly McAleer's Lindsay Lohan impression, there's no denying that this girl has got a lot of Miss Cruise's mannerisms down pat. [Fromacloset's YouTube]
· You might the remember that the Tumblrverse nearly collapsed onto itself when a rash of What Would [Insert Mad Men Character Here] Do? sites burst onto the scene a few weeks back. But rather on pontificate on what these group of fictional characters might do, why not spend time time going through the list of things that '80s hero MacGyver actually did? [List Of Problems Solved By MacGyver via Core 77]

Kanye's White Album: Disappointed white girls ... [Kanye West]

STV — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:45:00 PDT

Kanye's White Album: Disappointed white girls around the world are doing some deep soul searching this week, summoning the glamour, self-possession and resonant bosom that might someday earn them the distinction of being Kanye West's "Favorite White Girl." For now, however, it's Scarlett Johansson's title to lose — an honor bestowed in a few dozen sexy photos recently uploaded without comment to the hip-hop star's blog. Despite his mysterious criteria, West's fans appear to agree for the most part, with only a few dissenting voices ("I mean can i see atleast ONE dark skin black person on here.... you got all these no-name porn chicks...") among the oversexed ranks and his rumored second choice — a jilted Helen Mirren — reportedly erasing her commenter profile in protest. Better luck next year, girl. [Kanye West via US Weekly]

Which Actress Is Going to Pay Someone to Be Her Lesbian Lover? [Blind Items]

Kyle Buchanan — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:25:00 PDT

After making an unsettling detour to Closeted-Heartthrob Rapesville, the Blind Item Express is once more on the move, this time heading for sunnier, more sapphic waters. How else to explain this provocative post from Crazy Days and Nights:

How do you try and revive a career that only you want revived? Well, in Hollywood this year you can either get pregnant, or do what this C list film/B list television actress that I love to hate is going to do. Become a lesbian. Yes, you heard it here first. This actress is going to loudly dump her boyfriend and start dating a woman simply for the publicity...Instead of paying someone to be a beard for you, this actress is going to take some of her fast dwindling cash and pay someone to be her lesbian lover.

Rampant speculation, after the jump:

Out first guess was Mischa Barton, though it must be said that the same-sex angle didn't work out so well for her character on The O.C. Then our thoughts drifted to Heroes star Hayden Panettiere, but her girl-crush on Angelina Jolie is a little predictable for a starlet who's truly hoping to make sapphic waves. Could it be, then, that Gossip Girl's Blake Lively has been sharing her traveling pants with someone the same size? It's possible, but we'll throw our weight behind dark horse guess Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door. What better way to avoid typecasting as a boy-crazy bimbo than to ditch the Hef for someone more substantial...you know, like Tila Tequila!

Today's Blind Items [Crazy Days and Nights]

Amateur Pundits Roseanne Barr and Jon Voight Raise the Family-Smearing Stakes [Defamer Decides 2008]

STV — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:00:00 PDT

Like most other all-night diners in the vicinity, Defamer's Washington Bureau is positively churning with activity a mere 11 weeks from Election Day. Alas, with so many other outlets having beat us to the punch regarding, say, Barack Obama's fund-raising prowess, we're left to cover an arguably more urgent and immediate controversy affecting liberal firebrand Roseanne Barr and her outspoken conservative archrival Jon Voight. And while it seemed like fun from a distance when the comedienne first lobbed mud last Friday, a closer look today has us dodging sallies in every direction.

In case it slipped by you last week, Roseanne got off a Jon Voight blast labeling the Oscar winner as both a "used tampon" and "frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu" whose anti-Obama screeds are the bidding of the Republican Party. But Voight's an easy enough target; Roseanne, who's known to blame her worst writing on disgruntled interns rather than 'fess up to blogging under the influence, then took aim at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie — and their kids:

Aren't you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the african daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the republican party's worldwide economic assault on africa over the last few decades since reagan? ... (Ps....it might be good for your asian and african children's self esteem to know you support a brown man for the leader of the free world.)

Roseanne eventually came around (sort of), clarifying yesterday she only meant to cite "the media's images of [Brangelina that] are smelly and vile." We take the silence from the Pitt/Jolie compound to imply it's totally all good, but in his own response this afternoon, Voight wasn't so quick to forgive:

We can never be surprised at what vile evil comes from the mouth of a confessed victim of child abuse at the hands of her own parents. ...

Her defaming of our National Anthem in 1990 gave us insight into who she is and what she is capable of saying and doing. ... I can only pray that good people see her for what she is (sick of mind).

Look, Jon, if anyone knows defaming, we know defaming, and Roseanne's Anthem was more along the lines of what we'd call "tuneless B-list ass-raping." Anyway, can you even defame a song? It's not like she went in the Washington Times and accused Obama of intending to initiate a bloodbath in Iraq. Ugh! Can't we just vote already?

Jon Voight [Roseanne World]

Jon Voight Fires Back [Faded Youth]

Wait, what? In the middle of an otherwise ... [Dennis Hopper]

Kyle Buchanan — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 16:30:00 PDT

Wait, what? In the middle of an otherwise routine NY Daily News article that details the trouble Republicans have convincing celebrities to attend their upcoming convention (but wait, don't they hate celebrities?), this little bombshell is dropped: "When asked about Republican stars like Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dennis Hopper, Kelsey Grammer and Chuck Norris, G.O.P. convention spokeswoman Melissa Subbotin said the party was not ready to announce its roster at this time." Dennis Hopper? Did we miss the memo that said the countercultural director of freaking Easy Rider was a Republican? We'd assumed his appearance in the right-wing Zucker film An American Carol was a strict paycheck gig, but no — Wikipedia confirms it, listing two donations the actor has made to the RNC. We'll leave the blacklisting to Jeffrey Wells, but we hope this doesn't portend an eventual run for office from the actor. After all, if Gopher could do it... [NY Daily News]

Molls Is Cleanin' Out Her Closet [To Do]

Mark Graham — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 16:00:00 PDT

Ever since we turned the nightly To Do's over to Molly McAleer a few months ago, the only thing the loyal Defamer readership has gotten to know better than Molls herself is her apartment. We've spent time in her living room, her bedroom, her kitchen and even her bathtub. Tonight, we gain entrance into a new room in the Casa de Molls — her closet. Behold, her shoe rack! Pay witness to her collection of hangers! Delight in the majesty of her wardrobe! All this and more await you after the jump as we present our To Do's for tonight, August 19.

· LA Geek Dinner at Shakey's.
· Dave Matthews Band at the Staples Center.
· Showgirls at the Arclight.
· Curtis People's at the Roxy.

Bill Maher's Oscar-Bait 'Religulous' Currently (and Quietly) Screening in a Suburb Near You [Dirty Tricks]

STV — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:30:00 PDT

The forthcoming Bill Maher/Larry Charles satirical doc Religulous has been on Lionsgate's release calendar for what seems like forever; we remember seeing teaser posters for it at last year's Toronto International Film Festival, where it was recently announced as a world premiere this year. Confusing! But not as confusing as the revelation that you and yours can see the film this week in one of those increasingly en vogue "Oscar dump runs" in LA and New York. The tactic mirrors that of HBO, which last spring sneaked Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired into two theaters to qualify for Oscar consideration — except that Religulous actually has an Oct. 3 release date in the States. So what gives, and where can you see it? Find out after the jump.

Academy rules dictate that documentaries must screen for at least one week in Los Angeles County and Manhattan before the qualifying deadline of August 31. Thus, if you're up for a schlep out to the Laemmle Claremont 5 or, in NYC, the Coliseum Quad in Washington Heights, you can be the among the first to see Maher and Charles torment the Christian Right and other supposed fanatics. The early run is especially unusual in the context of Toronto, where the "premiere" classification is generally sacrosanct for distributed films of this size and budget. But hey — it is just Claremont, and most observers seem to agree that major papers won't run reviews the way they did for Polanski, potentially undercutting the unveiling up North.

That said, we're happy to air your opinions below if you've got the much shorter journey in you in the days ahead. We think we can wait for October.

Suburban Booking [Hollywood Elsewhere]

Wendy Williams' Advice to a Recovering Christina Applegate: Dump Jennifer Aniston [How You Doin'?]

Kyle Buchanan — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:10:00 PDT

We apologize for being late arrivals on the Wendy Williams train — in all fairness, it's a ride that ends more often in trainwreck than not. But oh, what a glorious trainwreck it usually is! The gossipy radio doyenne is nearing the end of her six-week tryout as a TV talk show host (and was just picked up for a nationwide run by Fox) and though Williams never been one to self-censor, she's really hit her gasp-inducing stride during the final stretch. Watch as she discusses Christina Applegate's recent mastectomy, free-associating until she remembers that Applegate is friends with Jennifer Aniston, a Williams bête noire. Her ensuing advice leaves no Must-See TV star unscathed (and even freaks out the audience a little). John Mayer: your rebuttal, please? [The Wendy Williams Show]

That's The Last Time I Let The Kids Do My Nails [A Call To The Bullpen]

Douglas Reinhardt — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 14:50:00 PDT

boomp3.com

The fingernails of Al Pacino sent tongues a-wagging at Madeo's on Sunday night. The iconic actor was seen sporting blue nail polish. When asked about it, Pacino said that he got a bit of Dodger fever. Pacino also told others at the famed Italian eatery that his kids got a little crazy at Color Me Mine and did a number on his fingers. Pacino added, "I just didn't have the heart to wash it off in front of them. They just did such a wonderful job. Maybe they want me to lighten up."

[Photo Credit: X17]

Spencer Pratt's Five-Part Guide to Being the Worst Boyfriend on Televison [The Hills]

Kyle Buchanan — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 14:30:00 PDT

While The Hills returned to MTV last night with all the girl-on-girl drama and awkward pauses we've come to know and love, it was the Heidi-and-Spencer subplot that gained most of our attention. Sure, the storyline seemed simple on its face — Heidi's sister comes to stay with the pair, a development that forces Spencer to grit his teeth — but beneath the surface, Spencer's passive aggression was at full blast. With the help of Molly McAleer, we've assembled five moments from last night's episode that best illustrate Spencer's unique approach to controlling the woman in your life. When Heidi's cry for help comes, will we hear it — or it will be buried under ProTools? [MTV]

Emergency Drag Squad Called In To Rescue Lamest 'Runway' Cast Ever [Balls To The Bluefly Accessories Wall]

Seth — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 14:10:00 PDT

Whatever investment we still had in Project Runway—the once-great, now-irritating sartorial decathlon presided over with an iron fist by Teutonic Sealfucker Heidi Klum—it was quickly sapped away by last (Lipstick Jungle!) week's corporate synergistic (Lipstick Jungle!) episode guest-judged by Brooke (Lipstick!) Shields (Jungle!). Still, challenges are at hand, models require fittings, and various Its are in need of being made to Work; so we trudge ever onward, swallowing our basest designophobic tendencies as we endure a violently unlikable bunch.

There's of course that blonde freak whose obsessive need to append the suffix "-licious" to any word he cant think of can only be logically explained away as some ugly neurological byproduct of methamphetamine addiction. There's Suede, he of the blue mohawk, because just a wispy, gelled mohawk isn't quite stupid-looking enough; did we mention he goes by "Suede," and refers to himself in the third-person? Is it any wonder, then, that the laser-depilated, elevator-boot-wearing drag cavalry was called in to shake up the proceedings? There's really no following an act like Christian Siriano: This show is a victim of its own fierceness.

Project Runway

Five Alternatives For the New 'Bleep Photo' Revolutionizing TV Censorship [Morning Sickness]

STV — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:50:00 PDT

A momentous trend apparently began last week in the least likely of places: The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, where the hosts introduced a new "Bleep Photo" feature for particularly saucy and immodest guests. The test drive came Aug. 13 when, while interviewing a pair of women about their ambivalence toward binge-drinking, producers cut out of nowhere to a photograph of a cat eating spaghetti. It was a Random TV Moment For the Ages, rivaling David Letterman's greatest for sheer "WTF"-ness and cultural import. The blip has since been parsed in a variety of formats including FishBowl LA, where it was discovered Monday that the cutaway was merely a "Bleep Photo" to override one of the women's descriptions of being "fucked up."

The Soup picked it up as well, rendering even Joel McHale's incredulity unusually authentic. Frankly, we're still confused — but that doesn't mean the idea can't work. Follow the jump for Defamer's own customized "Bleep Photos," culled from both our deep in-house archive and the obscure wilds of the Web. We like cats and pasta and everything just fine, but face it: If you know you're good, then you know you can be better.

The Soup [via FishBowl LA]

'Girls Next Door' Express Their Displeasure At Being Typecast In 'House Bunny' [Synergy]

Mark Graham — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:25:00 PDT

While there is very little dignity in being one of three girls repeatedly porked by a doddering 82 year old, The Girls Next Door have managed to do quite well for themselves. Not only do they have a certified hit television show on their hands (Season Five on its way!), but Holly, Kendra and Bridget have also made appearances on Entourage, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Scary Movie 4 (not to mention Kendra's recent appearance on the front page of the Wall Street Journal). Despite all of their career successes, it seems that the girls are chomping at the bit for a chance to stretch their acting muscles more than most of their extended cameos call for.

For instance, this week's episode begins with the girls gathering together for an impromptu table read of the script for House Bunny, the soon-to-be-released Anna Faris vehicle. After pouring through the script, not only do they find out that their appearance is limited to a single page (Page 78, if you must know), but they also bemoan the fact that they've been reduced to bantering about such silly topics as whipped cream drenched pillow fights. Don't worry, ladies; when Brett Ratner finally decides to get onboard with the project he was born to direct, there'll be plenty of time to sleep your way into a role playing someone other than yourself (so long as it's still a Bunny).

The Girls Next Door [E!]

Would You See This Man's R-Rated Mormon Movie? [The Church Of Cinema]

Kyle Buchanan — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:05:00 PDT

The LAT ran a fascinating piece today on Richard Dutcher, the filmmaker who was anointed the father of Mormon cinema after his 2000 sleeper hit, God's Army, ushered in a wave of Mormon-focused indie flicks. Now, Dutcher is releasing what's being marketed as "the first R-rated Mormon movie" — and it's a doozy, peppered with cursing, nudity and violence. Called Falling, it stars Dutcher as an amoral videographer attempting to figure out his life after repudiating his faith. It's a concept Dutcher knows well, because the father of Mormon cinema is now renouncing his religion:

"One day in prayer, all by myself, I asked myself the question: What if it's all not true?" Dutcher recalled. "It was an earth-shaking moment of spiritual terror, such a profound experience. It was such a sense of loss. I felt my faith leaving me and never coming back."

..."At the beginning, I was proud to say, 'Yeah, I'm a Mormon filmmaker' because then, I was defining what a Mormon filmmaker was," Dutcher said. "It quickly got completely out of my control. Now, no one wants to call themselves a Mormon filmmaker because you're associating yourself with a genre that's fallen into disrepute. It's like having porn on your résumé."

In fact, Dutcher is so intent on leaving the genre behind that he penned a blistering "farewell address" to the Provo Daily Herald, excoriating other Mormon filmmakers:

A few parting words: I urge you to put the moronic comedies behind you. If you're going to make comedies, at least make them funny. Perhaps you should leave the mockery of Mormons to the anti-Mormons. They've had a lot more experience and, frankly, they do a better job.

Damn, Richard! Wait, can we say "damn" around you now? In all seriousness, Falling (playing right now at a one-week engagement at Laemmle's Music Hall in Beverly Hills) just shot up to the top of our screening lists, or at the very list, our Netflix queues. While we can't yet attest to Dutcher's skill behind the camera, he's at least nailed the next most important part of being a filmmaker: causing controversy.

[photo credit: Lori Shepler / Los Angeles Times]

Richard Dutcher leaves the Mormon church and a genre [LAT]

Coen Brothers Choose Unknowns and Semi-Knowns For 'A Serious Man' [Trade Roundup]

Seth — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 12:45:00 PDT

· The Coen brothers have cast Broadway actor Michael Stuhlbarg and veteran sitcom loudmouth Richard Kind in A Serious Man, a black comedy set in the Midwest of 1967. Gentlemen: you may now commence crapping your pants with excitement, followed 11 months later by the public at large. [Variety]
· Toronto Film Festival organizers were thrilled to receive RSVPs from the likes of Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, and Ontario's own Rachel McAdams. Seven world premieres are scheduled for next month's festival, including Pride and Glory, Dean Spanley, and The Lucky Ones. [Variety]
· The Office writer Michael Schur signed a seven-figure deal with Universal Media Studios that will include shared showrunner duties on this mysterious Amy Poehler not-an-Office-spinoff whose arrival will bring an end to all injustice and world suffering. But no pressure, Amy and Michael. [Variety]
· Subway Sandwich 911-caller doppelganger F. Gary Gray has signed on to direct Julius, a "contempo urban crime" graphic novel based on Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. Maybe it will star Mark Anthony and Lil' Romeo! [Variety]
· After a summer test run in which they were pleased to see the host plunging two thumb-talons into Omarosa's eye-sockets in an impromptu display of thrilling daytime bloodsport, Fox has decided to launch The Wendy Williams Show nationally. [TV Week]

Joyce Hyler Update: After spending the weekend ... [Ailments]

STV — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 12:30:00 PDT

Joyce Hyler Update: After spending the weekend hospitalized in critical condition when a car struck her on the Pacific Coast Highway, the inveterate, influential agent/manager/producer has reportedly stabilized in the last 24 hours. "[T]he doctors will likely proceed to obtain another CAT scan with a view to determining what needs to be addressed next," says her family's latest update online. "All of the above is neither good nor bad. What is good is that we avoided emergencies for the last 24 hours and are seeking to build upon that." Meanwhile, Endeavor has organized a blood drive to take place in its screening room tomorrow from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. (Hyler required a major transfusion following the accident), marking perhaps the first time out of thousands that agency blood has been shed in the name of good. The Hollywood Reporter has the details. [CarePages]